For much of my adult life, I have tried to avoid
crying. I hate what it does to me: Headache, stuffed up nose and sinuses,
burning eyes, red face. It all adds up to ugly, and I have enough of that
without crying. Crying is not something I do easily, so anger moves in instead.
And that often fails me because I often end of crying when I am angry. But the
older I have gotten, the better I have become with holding back the tears. No
tears for me, please.
When I was going through the rebuilding of my life
after I came here to live near my Aunt and cousins, I was crying and weeping a
lot because there was a great deal of hurt that had to be dealt with and it
hurt all over again. But I also wept with happiness over the pure Joy I found
in my renewed relationship with Christ. When I got through a few of those
years, I seemed to have decided that it was just too messy to keep crying over
things and I “bucked” up. I still tear up over the Majesty of God and the
presence of Christ in my life, but that is the most I will allow: tears that
don’t fall.
Well… Mother’s
Day turned into a disaster for me because I had been ignoring my own
feelings about something and had ignored it for about three months: I knew, and said to myself, “I think I need a good
cry”. But I could not put a finger on why, so I didn’t. Therefore, I ended up
weeping my way through church that Sunday. Funny how things we are stuffing
catch up with us in the end.
Now I realize that I was long term dealing with the
hurt of not having any family of my own, no parents, no sibling, and no
children. And I have been thrown into some aging issues that have been very
hard to deal with and that needed to be acknowledged as scaring the wits out of
me.
Was crying a weakness of faith? Was crying a sin at
that point? I don’t think so. I think it was a necessity. I had been refusing
to acknowledge the hurts I was feeling, but they had not gone away. And
suddenly I was head bowed and tears flowing and body shaking in a way that I
could not stop.
I tried to be discreet about it, but I guess that
did not work because one couple handed me a flower and another friend came
across to me and gave me one as well. And she gave me hugs, and kisses on the
cheek. I was still trying to be subtle about the whole thing, but I was very
encouraged by these actions.
And, I was extremely thankful that our pastor does
not make a big thing about Proverbs 31 on Mother’s Day. I was very thankful to
hear the beauty of Paul’s first recorded sermon, instead; reminding us of how
much our God loves us and has been Mighty to save us.
Just to let you know that I know: I am not the only
woman in the world, let alone in our church, who has no children; there are
other women who have no children due to other, more tragic circumstance than
mine. And, by the way, I have sat through many Mother’s Day celebrations
without breaking down, or even wanting to break down.
The point I hope to make is that we need to keep up with our feelings or
they may take us down. We need to be
who we are and be free in feeling what we feel. It is not a sin to feel pain and hurt. It is not a lack of
trust or doubt in God to feel things, and feel them deeply – check Job. Our
feelings and emotions are a gift of God and He gave us a lot of them. If we
need to cry, then we need to cry.
Weeping is a cleanser of the soul. It is a cleanser
given by God to help us keep our hearts and thoughts refreshed and renewed and
honestly proclaimed to God, so that He can catch our tears and hug us tightly
for the simple sake of His Glory being felt and seen in our lives.
Now that I have come to realize what I wept over,
it is time to acknowledge my fear of being alone in my declining years: I must
hand that over to Him for safe keeping. And now that I know I have been hurt by
baby issues I must also hand that over to Him, knowing full well that He
already knows that, and His plans for me simply do not include being close to
children, at least for now.
My hope is that we may all stop denying the things that hurt us; but acknowledge them and cry
over them when necessary. I cannot help but hope that you who read this will
take a serious look at hurts you are holding. These hurts do not always turn to
anger, but they can leave you weeping at very
inopportune times – like in the middle of church when sin or failure is not
necessarily involved - just emotions unexpressed.
My cheeks are red – but I got two carnations out of
it! :) And I turned to the
friend next to me, whose husband had brought an extra flower for me, and coyly
said: “Look here – I got two.” She called me an over achiever. We smiled
and went on in the service. Later we had opportunity to hug.
Father: Thank you for being who you are and for
caring for such “human” Human beings. Thank you for sending Christ to be our
Savior, friend and brother; the answer to every question from every person on
this entire earth, as Paul preached and reminded us in His amazing sermon in
the synagogue.
God, help us to be more aware and honest about our
hurts and feelings about life as we live it. Let us cry out to you in pain or
in joy, whenever we need to express to
you what we are feeling; whenever
our hearts are lifted up or torn down; whenever
we fear the unknown but do not admit it to you; whenever our feelings assist or constrict our ability to find our
peace and joy in you.
Let us not be afraid to feel and to share with you
exactly what we are feeling. Let us remember that “your mercies are renewed every morning,” and that we can also be
renewed and refreshed in them, every morning.
And “Let us be singing when the evening
comes!”
May God bless you all. In Jesus Name, Amen.
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