Wednesday, May 14, 2014


For much of my adult life, I have tried to avoid crying. I hate what it does to me: Headache, stuffed up nose and sinuses, burning eyes, red face. It all adds up to ugly, and I have enough of that without crying. Crying is not something I do easily, so anger moves in instead. And that often fails me because I often end of crying when I am angry. But the older I have gotten, the better I have become with holding back the tears. No tears for me, please.

When I was going through the rebuilding of my life after I came here to live near my Aunt and cousins, I was crying and weeping a lot because there was a great deal of hurt that had to be dealt with and it hurt all over again. But I also wept with happiness over the pure Joy I found in my renewed relationship with Christ. When I got through a few of those years, I seemed to have decided that it was just too messy to keep crying over things and I “bucked” up. I still tear up over the Majesty of God and the presence of Christ in my life, but that is the most I will allow: tears that don’t fall.

Well… Mother’s Day turned into a disaster for me because I had been ignoring my own feelings about something and had ignored it for about three months: I knew, and said to myself, “I think I need a good cry”. But I could not put a finger on why, so I didn’t. Therefore, I ended up weeping my way through church that Sunday. Funny how things we are stuffing catch up with us in the end.

Now I realize that I was long term dealing with the hurt of not having any family of my own, no parents, no sibling, and no children. And I have been thrown into some aging issues that have been very hard to deal with and that needed to be acknowledged as scaring the wits out of me.

Was crying a weakness of faith? Was crying a sin at that point? I don’t think so. I think it was a necessity. I had been refusing to acknowledge the hurts I was feeling, but they had not gone away. And suddenly I was head bowed and tears flowing and body shaking in a way that I could not stop.

I tried to be discreet about it, but I guess that did not work because one couple handed me a flower and another friend came across to me and gave me one as well. And she gave me hugs, and kisses on the cheek. I was still trying to be subtle about the whole thing, but I was very encouraged by these actions.

And, I was extremely thankful that our pastor does not make a big thing about Proverbs 31 on Mother’s Day. I was very thankful to hear the beauty of Paul’s first recorded sermon, instead; reminding us of how much our God loves us and has been Mighty to save us.

Just to let you know that I know: I am not the only woman in the world, let alone in our church, who has no children; there are other women who have no children due to other, more tragic circumstance than mine. And, by the way, I have sat through many Mother’s Day celebrations without breaking down, or even wanting to break down.

The point I hope to make is that we need to keep up with our feelings or they may take us down.  We need to be who we are and be free in feeling what we feel. It is not a sin to feel pain and hurt. It is not a lack of trust or doubt in God to feel things, and feel them deeply – check Job. Our feelings and emotions are a gift of God and He gave us a lot of them. If we need to cry, then we need to cry.

Weeping is a cleanser of the soul. It is a cleanser given by God to help us keep our hearts and thoughts refreshed and renewed and honestly proclaimed to God, so that He can catch our tears and hug us tightly for the simple sake of His Glory being felt and seen in our lives.

Now that I have come to realize what I wept over, it is time to acknowledge my fear of being alone in my declining years: I must hand that over to Him for safe keeping. And now that I know I have been hurt by baby issues I must also hand that over to Him, knowing full well that He already knows that, and His plans for me simply do not include being close to children, at least for now.

My hope is that we may all stop denying the things that hurt us; but acknowledge them and cry over them when necessary. I cannot help but hope that you who read this will take a serious look at hurts you are holding. These hurts do not always turn to anger, but they can leave you weeping at very inopportune times – like in the middle of church when sin or failure is not necessarily involved - just emotions unexpressed.

My cheeks are red – but I got two carnations out of it! :)  And I turned to the friend next to me, whose husband had brought an extra flower for me, and coyly said: “Look here – I got two.” She called me an over achiever. We smiled and went on in the service. Later we had opportunity to hug.

Father: Thank you for being who you are and for caring for such “human” Human beings. Thank you for sending Christ to be our Savior, friend and brother; the answer to every question from every person on this entire earth, as Paul preached and reminded us in His amazing sermon in the synagogue.

God, help us to be more aware and honest about our hurts and feelings about life as we live it. Let us cry out to you in pain or in joy, whenever we need to express to you what we are feeling; whenever our hearts are lifted up or torn down; whenever we fear the unknown but do not admit it to you; whenever our feelings assist or constrict our ability to find our peace and joy in you.

Let us not be afraid to feel and to share with you exactly what we are feeling. Let us remember that “your mercies are renewed every morning,” and that we can also be renewed and refreshed in them, every morning. And “Let us be singing when the evening comes!”

May God bless you all. In Jesus Name, Amen.

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