Today, I re-read Psalm 13,
emphasizing his plea to know: How long? How long? How long? As I read, I began
to realize that God had a message just for me in these words, for I am
generally asking the same thing:
How long will it be before
I STOP bursting forth with anger? How
long will it be before I “get it” and stop enabling my anger? How long will it be before I stop interfering
with your desire for me to be fruit and to be fruitful?
There was a time when I found
that I was “changed” some and stopped TAKING OFFENSE at many things that had
bothered me before; but now it seems that I have reacquired that habit.
In the past year or so, I
have begun to blast off much more often again. I have concluded on more than
one occasion that I had been building up a reservoir of “hurt” that then
overflowed into anger. But, now that I
am seeking God’s deep guidance about where I am and what I am doing, I find
that “TAKING OFFENSE” at every little thing has again taken over my life. PRIDE hurts and pride is an ugly thing in
God’s eyes. And it is only by pride that we take offense about personal pokes
and prods from others; or even from completely impersonal ones and truly
unintended slights that we make up in our heads.
At this season of
celebration of Christ and of family, I am remembering the fear that was
expressed by others about having families gather together. Thankfully, my
memories of family holiday gatherings are pretty fun. There were things that
disturbed me, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. When I was married, I made sure that we
gathered with my crazy family as often as possible. Perhaps that is because,
even though everyone got drunk, there was no arguing or serious tension. We
played our favorite card game and kept an eye on the football games while
people came and went throughout the day. No one cared who won the card game
because no one was better at it than anyone else; it was fun; just fun. In the
background of weekend drunken brawls, this was peace at its best.
But Thanksgiving and
Christmas have been a challenge for me in the last few years as I miss the flow
of people and easy fun we had; as I miss my Mom and Dad and brother and our
traditions. This, in itself, can be a serious trigger for me; thus I am
concerned about getting things under God’s control ASAP. Note: I guess this is
a good opportunity for me to realize just how much I really do miss my family
at this season because tears have come to my eyes even as I write this. I miss
my family, period, and this season reminds me of that. Generally no one has a clue how much I miss
them because this family I now celebrate with was not around to celebrate with
us beyond their earliest years.
This year is a special
challenge because of the spiritual struggling I am working through at this
time. Apparently I have come to believe that I am worthy of taking offense when people
are rude to me. That is a lie. Only
God is worthy of taking such offense; for He is the only Holy presence in this
life on earth. I have touched on this subject in the past: but it is easy to
forget that taking offense is a choice not a necessity. And I have been making
that choice again. Wow. Will I ever stop? “How long, O Lord….” How
long?
As I seek to live the Fruit
of the Spirit, I find that trying to see it in my own life is probably more of
a stumbling block than it is a help; especially because, though we all are
given this fruit at our second birth, we are not all given each and everyone of
them as our strong-suit.
A lovely friend of mine is
retiring from her job this month and she is my vision of Gentleness. I truly
believe that I will never be that gentle; that is not who I am nor is it a
picture of who I must become. That does
not mean that I do not need to allow some gentleness to be seen in me. To me that
means that I will never be as strong in gentleness as she is. And that makes me
sad, because gentleness seems so much more wonderful than whatever I am.
Unfortunately I am bit of a
bulldog – perhaps a pitbull – and I wrestle constantly with separating truth
from lies, fact and fiction, helpful and not so helpful. Perhaps, as with the
real pitbulls, it isn’t being one that is the deepest problem, but maybe it is
how I am not letting God train me to be useful as one, rather than being a
terror.
I once loved a pitbull and
she was the epitome of gentleness – unless she knew your intent was evil. Even then she only growled; unless unleashed
by command. She was properly trained to
keep her fierceness under control. She is gone now, but I think I should use
her for an example for my own life. She was a sweet, sweet dog, even though she
had the ability to do great harm if told to do it or failed to follow her
training.
Unfortunately, I also have
the ability to do great harm, and I am the only one who ever told me to do it.
That is why I must surrender my “offenses,” worries and troubled thoughts
quickly to God so that I do not boil up a pot of stew that will run over the
top, in time. I must seek the training that will keep me from this harmful way
of living.
Today has been a beautiful
day, watching snow fall and sharing thoughts in many different ways while
listening for God to continue to show me how strong He can be for me. But I
ended up not socializing at all, so there were no flare-up challenges. Many
will come, day after day. My prayer is that I will listen for His reminders to not take offense… even if it is the
Government, or ugly TV commercials, or rude people around me, I am under
instruction: NO yelling and screaming; not even when I am all alone. The more I
practice the easier it is to behave that way when I am not alone.
And, by the way, that does
not mean that I do not notice the offense.
It means that I discern it and give it to God to take care of. And He
definitely will, even if not until the final judgment. It is not up to me to be
offended. He will keep His promise to destroy sin and sinner and we will
finally live in Peace. Come, Lord Jesus!
As we praise God for Jesus
coming the first time, it may help to remember that He is coming again; and He
is coming to keep every promise He has ever made. Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
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